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Is Your Husband Addicted to Pornography?
Possibly, a more helpful approach is to avoid thinking in terms of black and white, but rather to take a closer look at what extent pornography affects your husband. In his book, “Treating Pornography Addiction” Dr. Kevin B. Skinner recommends looking at various levels of behaviors associated with pornography use.
Level 1. Mild exposure – once or twice a year, no effect on regular life.
Level 2. Pornography use does not indicate addiction – occasionally looking at pornography with increased interest.
Level 3. Signs of trouble – person looks few times a month, usually tries to avoid it, but occasionally urges get so strong that it cannot be controlled, and person gives in.
Level 4. Individual notices increased sexual fantasies, and attempts to control them, which results in stronger withdrawal symptoms.
Level 5. Pornography impacting day to day living with significant portion of the day spent thinking about pornography.
Level 6. Pornography dominates most of the day to day life, affecting work, school, and personal relationships.
Level 7. Pornography and acting out consumes most of individuals time, leaving him feeling completely out of control.Large portion of men in modern day society fluctuate somewhere between levels 1 and 4 throughout their lives. The real danger comes when men begin to pass these levels. By the time I finally accepted that my pornography use was not healthy I was somewhere in between levels 6 and 7. By that time most men are very likely to cheat or do something illegal.
Worst Case Scenario of Pornography Addiction
One man in my recovery group provides a good example of where excessive pornography use may take a person. He progressed from regular porn, to hardcore porn, to crazy-sick porn. He started looking at dating sites and chat rooms. Eventually he met somebody online who was willing, able, and ready. When he showed up at this person's house he found out that it was a police operation and the guy ended up doing some jail time. I believe this story illustrates really well how little our society understands the negative effects of pornography.
As of writing of this article, I am 2 years masturbation free, and I have not looked at any form of pornography in over 9 months.The only form of sexual stimulation that I receive is from interaction with my future wife, and she says that the last 2 years were the best out of 6 years of our relationship.
I did not get to this point right away though. I was raised thinking that looking at pornography was a normal behavior, and literally almost everybody that I knew did it. If anything, I viewed it as a healthy alternative to cheating. By the time I was 25 I was spending up to 8 hours a day watching porn and even came close to breaking the law before I finally realized that I had a problem.
When my at the time girlfriend first approached me about my pornography use, I thought she was crazy. If it wasn't for her pointing out my behavior, however, I probably would have never connected the dots and continued to act out until I would have ended up breaking the law. So if you do decide to approach your husband about his pornography use, be prepared to defend your position. Chances are he will not be very open minded about it at first.
When my at the time girlfriend first approached me about my pornography use, I thought she was crazy. If it wasn't for her pointing out my behavior, however, I probably would have never connected the dots and continued to act out until I would have ended up breaking the law. So if you do decide to approach your husband about his pornography use, be prepared to defend your position. Chances are he will not be very open minded about it at first.
Negative Effects of Pornography Viewing
We must consider additional negative effects that excessive pornography use can have on an individual and people around him or her.
Some signs of pornography addiction include:
- Being emotionally distant
- Defaulting on commitments
- Decreased sexual interest towards one's spouse
- Decreased interest in healthy activities
- Poor performance at work
- Difficulty concentrating
5 Things that You Can Do Today to Help Your Relationship
- Talk to Your Husband about His Pornography Use
He might not be aware about effect that his pornography viewing is having on your life, and he will never know how you feel unless you tell him. It might not be the most pleasant conversation you've ever had, but it must be done. Bad news never get better over time. - Talk to Other Women Who Had Same Experience
We have a few wives of porn addicts post on our porn addiction forum. Additionally, Daily Strength has a strong community of women who have dealt with their partners addictions to pornography. I've posted more resources in the comment area below. - Consider Installing Accountability Software or Internet Filter on Your Computer
I would not recommend doing it behind your husband's back, but nothing bring honesty faster than knowledge of 100% accountability for one's actions. Two programs that I recommend are Covenant Eyes ($10 per month) which keeps log of all internet activity on a computer and K9 Web Filter (free) which blocks unwanted content. - Educate Yourself About What Your Husband is Going Through
I recommend reading through our Recovery Course. It will help you understand your husband better. Another great site that offers help to people struggling with sexuality related issues and offers partners support is Candeo Can. - Educate Yourself About What You Are Going Through
Consider reading Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal($9 at Amazon) to help you understand how your husband's pornography use might have caused you psychological trauma.
