God's Will for You, or Awaken Your Stronger Self

The more I read about recovery, the more I observe the same phenomenon being described over and over again in a wide range of literature, ranging from ancient Buddhist beliefs to modern day self-help books.

This phenomenon has various names: God, Energy of the Universe, Higher Power, Observer within Us, and Our Stronger Self. But in my opinion, all of these attempt to describe one very important concept that is crucial to our well-being as humans.

I think this is happening because through centuries, people are faced with very similar struggles and they continue to come up with very similar solutions.

In this chapter, I am going to make my attempt to describe this phenomenon.

It is a very controversial subject. For most of my life I kept my views to myself, and was debating if I should do the same with this course.

In the end, I decided to share because this concept was crucial to my personal recovery. That being said, please take everything that I say with a grain of salt, and if anything contradicts your current beliefs, please ignore it.

For most of my life, I tried to be my own manager. I made decisions based on what I wanted and what I felt was right for me. It worked fairly well.

Surely I had shortcomings, but overall I was not a bad person.

This model of self-management began to really backfire on me when my addiction began to escalate. The further I fell into my addiction, the more I began to lose my values and desire things that were not reasonable or moral.

Nevertheless, I continued to look inside of myself trying to figure out what I should do with my life. I would ask things like "What do I really want to do?", and would proceed to base my life around the answers that I got.

It took me 2 years of struggling and a relapse to finally accept that "I" (my wants), cannot be trusted to keep me sober and happy, and that I must find a new way to live my life.

That is when I was finally ready to make a decision to live by "God's will". Which for me literally translated into the following commitment that I've made to myself.

From now on, I will not base my decisions on what I think is right for me at the moment, but rather based on what I feel God would want me to do at the moment.

This is what I call living by God's will.

So how do I know what is God's will for me?

I believe that every human being has an ability to connect to God or to their Stronger Self. Some people might call it intuition and some people might call it educated guess based on the prior experience. I really don't know what it is. But it is this little voice in my head, that every once in a while tells me something like "don't do this, you will regret it".

For me, living by God's will is a practice of listening to this voice and doing what it tells me to do. The more I learn to listen to this voice, the stronger it gets.

I also believe that every human being has a similar ability.

Don't get me wrong though. I am not able to always listen to this voice. Sometimes I tend to take "my will" back. Sometimes I begin reasoning with God, saying things like: "But God, you don't understand. I really want to... it will be good for me".

Usually living by "my lower self-will" results in my life getting a little bit out of hand. Just enough for me to realize that it is not working, and make me willing once again to follow God's will.

When I do follow God's will, my life seems to be working perfectly fine.

Take a moment to think back on your life. Can you identify moments when your life really seemed to work? Why did it work? What were you doing differently?

There is another issue related to God that I've struggled with in the past.

How could God let so many innocent people die in accidents and wars?

For me, this could be explained by the notion that living by God's will is not a guarantee against anything negative happening in my life. It is a guarantee, however, that I will be proud of the way I made use of whatever little time I had on this planet.

That being said, I do believe that if I live by God's will, my chances of having a quality life will greatly improve.

After all, my self will just want "it all, now, and forever". More money, more power, more sex. And if I spend my life guided by those desires, it is very likely that I will do something really stupid in one way or another.

Living by God's will, feeding the right wolf, makes chances of good, honest, and quality life seem to be much more likely.

Likely, but not guaranteed.

In any case, I encourage you to not get caught up in the terminology and look for what works instead.

What is God's will for you? I believe that only you can decide this for yourself.

But from where I stand, I believe you already have been following God's will for the past three weeks. You are reading this book. You are taking better care of yourself. You are doing your ERP practice (right?). You are doing things that help you get and stay sober. And I am proud of you!

In conclusion, I want to share something that my sponsor in a 12 steps program told me a long time ago.

"If your life doesn't work, it is because you are trying to manage it yourself. Get a new manager!"

In the next chapter, I am going to talk about one very difficult decision that I had to make, which allowed me to take my recovery to a completely new level.

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12 Steps Meetings - What Are They Like?

Previously, I talked about some of the benefits of 12 steps groups. Today, I want to spend some time reviewing the basic structure of 12 steps groups so you will be prepared in case you decide to visit one in the future.

Usually at the meetings, people are seated in a circular formation, with one person, a secretary, leading the meeting. Before the meeting starts, the secretary passes out a number of readings (single sheets of paper) that the people will be asked to read throughout the meeting.

The secretary starts the meeting by greeting everybody and reading the introduction. After this, he or she asks somebody to read the "Preamble" (one of the readings passed on earlier), as well as "How it Works", "12 Steps", and "12 Traditions".

After the general reading is over, the secretary might ask if there are any visitors to the meeting. This is usually anybody who is visiting from out of town, or is new to the meeting but does not consider himself to be a newcomer.

Afterwards, the secretary would ask all of the newcomers to introduce themselves. A newcomer is anybody who is in their first 30 days of sobriety. So if you were sober for 20 years, but then had a slip, you are still considered to be a newcomer for the first 30 days.

After the newcomers, everybody in the room would introduce themselves.

The introduction is usually something like this: "Hi, I am Alex and I am a Sex Addict." After which everybody would say: "Hi Alex."

After the introduction, the meeting can take a number of forms, which usually will be explained by the secretary.

One of the most common forms is for one person to choose a reading for that day (usually something from the Big Book of AA or other approved literature). After the reading is complete, the reader would share his or her personal experience with the reading, and the reason why it was chosen.

After that, the secretary would say that the meeting is now open for discussion, and everybody starting from the left of the reader would have a chance to share. Share time is usually about 1-3 minutes. Some of the meetings will have a handheld hourglass that everybody is passing around to help you keep track of time.

Feel free to share anything when you get your chance to share. It could feel weird at first, but you will get used to it. If at first you don't feel like sharing (which I didn't for first few of my meetings), you can simply say "Pass". After a while you will get the feel for how the sharing works, and will see the benefit of it.

Another thing that people do during their shares is "getting current," meaning going off-subject from the reading and telling everybody about their personal struggles. Talking about what is going on in your life could be a great tool to help you clear up your head.

One thing that is not allowed in 12 step meetings is "Cross Talk". Meaning you are not supposed to make any comments or remarks about anything anybody said during the meeting, unless you can do it in very general terms during your share. This is done to make sure that the atmosphere of the meeting stays safe, and that everybody feels comfortable sharing. However, after the meeting is over, it is completely acceptable to approach any member and to relate any comments that you might have.

About 10 minutes before the meeting is over, the secretary will announce that the time for sharing has ended and will ask somebody to read "The Promises".

After that, the secretary would say something like: "It is now the time to practice 7th tradition" and you will see everybody reaching for their wallets. The 7th tradition states that 12 steps groups cannot be for profit, and will use voluntary donation to pay for the rent and other expenses. The usual donation is about one or two dollars (that is US prices, I am sure it costs a lot less in other countries).

After that, the secretary will ask everybody to join in for the Serenity Prayer. That is when everybody will get up, stand in the circle, hold hands, and say a prayer together. This part could be very weird at first, but you get used to it after one or two meetings.

After the meeting is over, members are free to go, but a lot of people stay to interact. This interaction after the meetings is perhaps one of the most important parts of the program.

Most 12 steps programs have a website where you can go to find their meeting schedules, and other related information. Sometimes they will call a meeting "open" or "closed". "Open" means that anybody can go to the meeting, but "closed" is reserved only for people who consider themselves to be addicts.

You do not have to go to a newcomers’ meeting, orientation or anything else like that. All you have to do is show up at whatever meeting makes sense for you. Just walk in, and people will be very helpful and will help you from there.

I am not sure how you feel about 12 steps groups by this point, but I would like to challenge you a little.

By clicking this link, you will find a list of phone meetings (or telemeeting as they call them) for Sex Addicts Anonymous. The times for the meetings are listed in Pacific Standard Time, so you will have to calculate the right time for your area.

I would encourage you to find one meeting and call in.

Phone meetings are very similar to the in-person meetings that I described earlier. But in phone meetings, you really don't have to do or say anything, you are completely safe. All you have to do is call in and listen (press * 6 to mute your phone).

I think it will be a great experience for you, and you will hear people from all over the world who share a very similar problem calling in and helping each other stay sober.

I think in the next 3 days, you should be able to find some time to call into at least one meeting. Try to do that.

Warning: Right about now your brain will begin to try to come up with an excuse. Something like "I don't believe in God so I shouldn't call" or "All these people are Christian, and I am not, they will not understand me" or "I don't need to call this cult" or something else.

Call yourself on this excuse. You are not making any lifetime commitments; you are simply making this one phone call, just to expose yourself to this tool. Just in case you might need it. That is it, no pressure, no commitments.

Just remember, take what works for you, and leave the rest behind!

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What is Wrong with 12 Steps Groups, What is Right with 12 Steps Groups

In the last chapter, I talked about my experience during my relapse and how I ended up in a 12 steps program. I also suggested through my writing that the 12 steps approach might be beneficial for you.

But at the same time I want you to be very careful with 12 steps programs. There are a lot of misconceptions and straight out lies floating around this program.

That is why I ask you to always remember to take what works for you, and leave the rest behind.

Let me first point out just some of the things that I think are wrong with AA.

1. The 12 steps approach did not work that well (in my opinion) for Bill W.

My biggest problem with Bill W. is that he was (in my opinion) a sex addict. Here is a quote from an interview conducted by F. Hartigan with Tom Powers, the man who helped Bill write his 2nd book, taken out of Bill W., A Biography of Alcoholics Anonymous Co-Founder Bill Wilson, Francis Hartigan, 2000, pages 171-172.

"All the while we were working on the 'Twelve and Twelve,'" Tom said, "I would argue with him, 'you're killing yourself. And think about what you're doing to Lois!"

Other people I spoke with insisted that Lois never knew about Bill's affairs, Tom insisted that "Lois knew everything and she didn't have to guess about it, either. A lot of people tried to protect her, but there were others who would run to Stepping Stones to tell Lois all about it whenever they saw Bill with another woman."

I asked Tom how Bill reacted when Tom would insist that Bill's guilt over his infidelities was responsible for his depressions.

"I think that was the worst part of it," he said. "Bill would always agree with me. 'I know,' he'd say. 'You're right.' Then, just when I would think we were finally getting somewhere, he would say, 'But I can't give it up.'

"When I would press him as to why the hell not, he would start rationalizing. What would really kill me is when he'd say, 'Well, you know, Lois has always been more like a mother to me.' Which somehow was supposed to make it all right for him to cheat on her."

Tom himself had also been sexually compulsive even after he quit drinking, and he found it very hard to change his behavior.

Tom said that it took him five years after he quit drinking to change his behavior in this area, and for five years after that, he tried to get Bill to change, too. "Besides what he was doing to the women he was chasing and to Lois, his behavior was a huge source of controversy in AA," Tom said. "He could be very blatant about it, and there were times when it seemed like the reaction to a particularly flagrant episode would end up destroying everything he had worked for. But then people would scurry around and smooth things over, or cover it all up."

According to Tom, Bill's behavior caused some of his most ardent admirers to break with him. Eventually, Tom broke with Bill, too.

"I told him that I still considered him to be my sponsor, but that I didn't want to work with him anymore. I said that I hoped we could be friends, but I didn't want to have anything more to do with him publicly. I just couldn't go on feeling as though I was in any way supporting what he was doing to Lois – and to himself.

"Bill said, 'Fine. I feel the same way about you, too,' and we shook on it. As though it were some mutually agreed upon parting of the way, with fault on both sides. Which was a real switcheroo, you know. I think he knew that I saw right through it, but I guess it made him feel better not to have to take responsibility for destroying what had been a very enjoyable and productive working relationship."

2. People are stuck in the past and accept everything Bill W said blindly.

If you go to a 12 steps meeting, you will find that a lot of people are religiously reading 12 steps literature (just 2 books really), turning to it as "THE SOURCE OF KNOWLEDGE".

I like those books too. They have a lot of good points in them. They helped me to get sober. But they are far from perfect. And I think it is important to look at them in a historical perspective, considering the authors who wrote them. Additionally, I think that there many other good books out there that are worth reading and studying as well.

This point is also bad because people are ignoring all of the scientific and spiritual discoveries that were done by other people in the past and in the present.

Last but not least, it forces people to persistently repeat some of the beliefs that are possibly wrong, which can have a very scary effect when viewed in terms of the A-B-C-D model.

3. Its scares people who are seeking help away. Simply put, 12 steps meetings are a little strange. They look like a cult, and it scares people away, forcing them to suffer on their own, until they get really desperate for help. A lot of times, people will not come back for help until after they lost their marriage, jobs, or freedom (got arrested).

There are, however, many things that I think are right with 12 steps programs.

1. It is a social support group.

You are surrounded by people who are going through exactly the same experience that you are going through.

It is not uncommon for addicts to be socially isolated. For many, including myself, 12 steps groups become a safe place, to learn to connect to others and make friends.

2. Safe Group Therapy

There is a saying in 12 steps, you are only as sick as your worst secrets. Yet you cannot share some of your secrets with anybody. 12 steps groups provide me with a safe place to share exactly what is going on in my life. I know that I can be completely honest and that nobody will judge me, and that most of the people will be able to relate to my experience.

3. Moral Encouragement

Sometimes our addiction can be very devastating, so it is very encouraging to see others who were able to stay sober for an extended period of time.

Additionally, 12 steps groups provide a framework for you to monitor your own progress. By giving you an opportunity to announce the amount of time you were sober, and celebrate your achievement.

4. Free Advice and Experience of Others

While I criticized 12 steps for only reading out of 2-3 books, I want to praise them for another tradition. Usually after the reading is over, members get to share. This part is extremely beneficial, because you get to learn from other people’s experience, and see what has worked or did not work for them.

After the meeting, you get a chance to interact with other members, which gives you an opportunity to receive some feedback on your personal struggles.

Additionally, most 12 steps members ask a more experienced member to be their sponsor, and through that they gain access to somebody who has "been there, done that".

5. The Infrastructure is Already in Place

12 Steps Groups are huge organizations; they have thousands of in-person, phone, and online meetings all over the world. All of these meetings are organized through mostly volunteer work and donations.

In other words, there is no need to re-invent the wheel. There is already a support group of like-minded individuals put in place that anybody can go to in order to get help.

6. Provides a Structured Program of Action

Twelve steps meeting are called 12 steps for a reason. There is a structured program of recovery that is put in place that many members are advised to take.

Historically, Bill W. took 6 steps of the Oxford Group and transformed these with the help of his group members into the 12 steps of AA.

Through the 50-plus years of AA and other 12 steps groups’ existence, these steps have been interpreted and re-interpreted thousands of times by thousands of people. This allowed them to develop a series of very helpful exercises.

So while in my opinion 12 steps groups are far from perfect, they are definitely good enough and provide a great tool that we can use, in addition to everything else, to help us maintain our recovery.

Next, I am going to walk you through the basic structure of 12 steps meetings, so that if you decide to visit one in the future, you will know exactly what to expect.

Have a wonderful and sober day!

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List of 12 Step Programs

PDF Version

Sexual Addiction
Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA)
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA)

Substance Abuse
Alcoholic Anonymous (AA)
Cocaine Anonymous (CA)
Crystal Meth Anonymous (CMA)
Marijuana Anonymous (MA)
Narcotics Anonymous (NA)
Nicotine Anonymous (NicA)
Pills Anonymous (PA) recovery from prescription pill addiction.
Smokers Anonymous (SA)

Family and Friends of Addicts 
Codependents of Sex Addicts (COSA)
CoSex and Love Addicts Anonymous (COSLAA)
Al-Anon/Alateen, for friends and family members of alcoholics
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) for people working to end patterns of dysfunctional relationships and develop functional and healthy relationships
Co-Anon, for friends and family of addicts
Families Anonymous (FA) for relatives and friends of addicts
Gam-Anon/Gam-A-Teen, for friends and family members of problem gamblers
Nar-Anon, for friends and family members of addicts
Recovering Couples Anoymous (RCA) Recovery for coupleships damaged by addictions .

Other Groups
Clutterers Anonymous (CLA)
Debtors Anonymous (DA)
Emotions Anonymous (EA) for recovery from mental and emotional illness
Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)
Food Addicts Anonymous (FAA)
Gamblers Anonymous (GA)
Neurotics Anonymous (NAIL) for recovery from mental and emotional illness
Overeaters Anonymous (OA)
Online Gamers Anonymous (OLGA)
Workaholics Anonymous (WA)

Additional Addiction Resources
FAQ about Substance Abuse
The Science of Addiction
The Psychology of High
Drug Tolerance, Drug Addiction, and Drug Anticipation
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Data Archive

Came to Believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves Could Restore Us to Sanity

1. What does a “Power greater than ourselves” mean to you?

To me a “Power greater than myself” means the principle that governs the universe. I do not have full capacity to understand it, but I can safely conclude from my observations and everything that I know in life that there is a certain method to the madness. This rule, this law gives me confidence that there is an appropriate consequence to every action. And that I need to do good things if I want good things in my life. After joining the program I have also discovered that there were other, more direct ways that I could connect to that higher power. I am guessing since I am part of the universe I had an ability to connect to this higher power, which allows me to use it to guide my day. I have now noticed that when I spend my day connected to my higher power, I feel really good about life. I feel happy and at peace with the world.

2. Why does it say “could” and not “would” restore us to sanity?

Because whether I will be restored to sanity or not remains to be seen, but it is required that I accept that the “higher power” has the capacity – could – restore me to sanity before I can move on with the rest of my recovery.

3. What is your definition of “sanity”?

I am still working on defining that. It is much more than abstaining from my inner circle behaviors. I think sanity is going through life connected to my higher power and living out the higher powers will for me on a daily basis. I think sanity is willingly doing things that are good for me and willingly walking away from things that are bad for me.

4. What do you need from a “higher Power”? What would you like such a power to be in your life?

I would like the higher power to be my life. I want to spend the rest of my life caring out higher powers’ will for me. That is I believe the only way to live my life that will make it worthwhile. That is what I need from a “higher Power”, to be present in my life as a guiding force and taking me to a greater place allowing me to be the best man that I can be.

12 Steps Prayers

The following are the prayers that appear through the big book of alcoholics anonymous and 12x12. I have took it upon myself to updated this prayers, to the language that is easier for me to understand. You can find the original text here. I've also listed the serenity prayer and St. Francis Prayer first, since they do not require understanding of how AA works.

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at the time and enjoying one moment at a time.

St Francis Prayer

God, make me a channel of your peace, so that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that where there is discord, I may bring harmony; that where there is error, I may bring truth; that where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that where there is despair, I may bring hope; that where there are shadows, I may bring light; that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
God, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than to be comforted; to understand, rather than to be understood; to love, rather than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

Third Step Prayer

God, I offer myself to you — to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, so that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your love, and your way of life. May I do your will always!

Seventh Step Prayer

God, I am now willing ready for you to have all of me, good & bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to follow your will.