Recovery Email 9

Today I wanted to share a very inspiring quote with you and announce new “Porn Harms” national awareness campaign.

One of your forum member TheFlyingPickle posted the following. I find this quote to be truly inspirational and describing just the right mindset needed to overcome addiction or make any other change in one’s life. You can read the full post here: http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=841

"Do what needs to be done."
-Rhadi Ferguson, Judo champion.

He was asked "How do you stay motivated at such a high level?"

His reply:

People often let their psychological disposition affect their physiological disposition. Meaning, oftentimes you will not work out, not have a productive workout, simply not do what you are capable of or refuse to do what you know you should. I found at an early stage in the game that as an athlete you have to disconnect your justifications from your doings. Basically, champions do what they know they should. They do what needs to be done when it needs to be done - period.

The way I stay motivated is that I DON'T get motivated. The word motivation comes from the French word motif or the Latin word Motivus. It is defined as, "an emotion, desire or physiological need, or similar impulse that acts as an incitement to action." I don't move, act, train or live on motivation. I train and live based on intent.

Intent is, "Having the mind and will focused on a specific purpose." So when I hit the gym for example, I wouldn't dare say that I am motivated on being a champion. I say I intend on being a champion. Champions don't operate based on motivation; they operate based on purpose.

Champions do things champions do. That doesn't take motivation. That is the difference between motivation and intent. The Olympic creed states, "The most important thing in the Olympic games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing in life is to have fought well." You can not compete well and fight well if you expect to operate based on hope or motivation. You can only compete and fight well if you intend to do so, and make a choice regardless of your emotional disposition. I am a 2004 Olympian and a four time World Judo Champion. Why? Because I understand the power of intent.

Also in the news, our friends at www.PornHarms.com are lunching a 4 week long nation wide pornography awareness campaign. Some of the events they are having are:

Mon, 7/11 2pm EDT - Live Online Conference: Perspectives from addicts and the spouse. Watch LIVE and participate on Facebook.

Tue, 7/12 11am EDT and 9pm EDT - Web and Call Presentation: 5 Hidden Dangers Facing You and Your Family Right Now. Register at CovenantEyes.com/Webinar or call 989 720 8088

Thur, 7/14 4pm EDT - Live Online Conference: Tools to Overcome Pornography Addiction. Watch LIVE and participate on Facebook.

Thur, 7/14 9:00pm EDT - Webinar - Overcoming Sex Addiction: Learning the difference between fantasy and positive relationships.Email elizabeth@pornharms.com for call info. FREE subscriptions to Candeo addiction recovery program will be given out during the event.

Fri, 7/15 All Day - Twitter Chat: Facts & Answers on Porn Addiction in 140 Characters. Just tweet using #pornaddiction at the end of your tweet.

Sun, 7/17 9pm EDT - Online Movie Screening: Out of Darkness. The incredible true story of Shelley Lubben and her journey from a life in the pornography industry to a life fighting against them. Watch right on Facebook!

You can learned more about the event here: http://www.pornharms.com/beaware/ . Please try to spread the word if you can .

I was asked to participate on twitter discussion on Friday 7/15 and I invite you to join us as well if you have a twitter account. Simply add #pornaddiciton at the end of your tweet. You can find me on twitter @feedrightwolf

That is all I got for now. I hope you are doing well. If you find yourself in need of inspiration or if you simply feel like you need to talk to somebody make sure to check out our forum: http://forum.feedtherightwolf.org

May you have a sober and peaceful day!
Alex

Thank You - Recovery Email 8

Today I went to an SAA meeting and got to hear a friend of mine presenting his “first step”. First step is a terminology used to describe the first step of Sex Addicts Anonymous which reads “We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable”. The first step tradition of SAA is to have the members write out their sexual history and examples of how progressively out of control their behaviors got. You can read more about the first step presentation here: http://www.sexaa.org/SAALiterature/English/FirstStepGuide/

This might sound a little rough, but it has a huge therapeutically benefit. First of all it forces the presenter to really take an honest look at his or her life, and realize just how much damage has been done.

Secondly, it is a very scary thing to do. Most of the sex addicts spend their lives believing that if somebody every found out about the nature of their behavior they would never talk to them again. So imagine how it would feel to sit down in front of 10-20 people and tell them everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that you’ve ever done. You know what happens next? People simply relate to you. Why? Because most of them had very similar experiences.

I remember my first step. It was one of the scariest things that I’ve ever done. At the same time it felt so good to finally get it all out. I felt like the weight was lifted of my shoulder. And the most surprising thing was that not only people did not stop to like me, it seemed that they started to like me more.

Listening to my friend today was a good remind of how sad and out of control my life used to be. It also was a good reminder of how much I love sobriety and the feeling of (relative) serenity and peace that it brings into my life.

It also reminded me how much I love FeedTheRightWolf.org. When I started this blog a little over 2 years ago, I couldn’t, in my wildest dreams, expect it to become such a great recovery spot on the internet as it has become. And I have nothing to do with it. It is all thanks to you and people like you who are participating in our common journey!

And our forum? I am so proud of our forum! I’ve been participating in many online forums over the years, but I have never came across such loving and carrying group of people before.

If you haven’t been following it, I highly suggest you pay it a visit. There is so much good stuff and love that flows through those pages, I couldn’t possibly express it all in here.

I wanted to give special thanks to Mr. and Mrs. Absolution, Mrs. Anon, Big Al, Dpacrepantance,  RightWolf, SadMax, Sami, Nick123, Xenon and many others. You guys are the best! Thank you so much for all your love, care, and support!

May God Bless You All!

Alex

I Had a Slip - Recovery Email 7

About 3 weeks ago I had a slip. Let me tell you what happened.

Honestly, looking back I should have recognized that something was wrong at least a couple of days in advance. But I got too over confident and was too busy with my work and school to pay attention. It was the end of semester for me, and I was pushing myself really hard to try to finish all of my projects in a little amount of time that I had left after my work.

Eventually I noticed myself experience a slight increase of sexual desires, but I brushed it off as something not to be concerned about. After all I was coming up on 11 month of sobriety and had very clear and effortless 3 months under my belt with unrestricted internet access on my work computer, and I just did not feel like I was in danger of acting out. I thought I would habitually stop myself before I cross the line.

So there I was sitting on my computer, working on one of my projects when a though came across that I needed to take a break. So I decided to take a healthy break, and was looking at a blog post that had a collection of travel pictures from around the world. I looked at few countries in Asia and Europe, and they were beautiful, but I just "FELT" like it wasn't enough.

That is when a thought came into my head: "This is boring, let’s see if I can find something sexual in here". I quickly searched through the titles and found one post copied from National Geographic featuring a tribe in Africa. I opened that post, and noticed that there were 3 women on it, with their backs towards the camera, but they were not fully dressed. Perhaps if I were to click back at this point, I would not have called this event a slip. But my next though came in to be "Well, maybe there rest of the pictures will have clothes on, it wouldn't hurt to look"(LIE). So I scroll down and saw few more pictures, and the last one that I saw had complete frontal nudity, and I definitely knew that I've crossed the line. Over the entire entire incident took about 10 seconds.

What came after for me were feelings of guilt and confusion. I struggled to understand what have happened. It took me a few weeks to fully allow the event to fully sink into my head and to distance myself far enough from it to be able to look at it objectively.

But there was another feeling that came with it, and that was feeling of joy. And that joy was not a result of what happened or what I saw, the joy was part of realization that I would have to tell all of the readers of http://FeedTheRightWolf.org about it. The reason that I was happy to tell everybody about my slip is because I viewed it as an opportunity to start over.

When I first started http://FeedTheRightWolf.org I was not getting any visitors. Now I understand that this was just a result of me having very little content on the site. But back then I thought that it was because I wasn't doing a good job "selling" recovery.
So I thought that if I make things sound a little bit more like other websites do, I will be able to get people to read what I had to say. As a result something very unfortunate happened. While I honestly shared all of the positive things that I learned about recovery, I was not completely transparent about some of the personal struggles that I had.

This approach was putting a huge limiting block on my own recovery, and my own experience with http://FeedTheRightWolf.org , after all, the real purpose for this site was to help me with my own recovery. And I only hoped that my own experience might help some other people as well.

Additionally, I believe that because I kept throwing a phrases like "It's now been 2 years since I watched pornography or masturbated" all over the site, but did not take the time to explain what it meant to me, it gave a lot of people an unrealistic expectation of what recovery would be like. So let me clarify my progress. And let me tell you that it has not all been black and white as I’ve made it sound before.

It has been 5.5 years, since I had any sexual physical contact with any person other than the one that I am in relationship with. It has been 2.5 years since I masturbated. It’s been 2.5 years since I watch hard core pornography involving two people engaging in a sexual act. It’s been 2 years since I purposely watched nude videos for extended period of time. For the rest of the time I would have minor slips, where I would find myself looking at nude photography (or video on 2 occasions) with lustful intentions on rare occasions (1-3 months).My second longest period of continuing sobriety was 8 months. My last period of ongoing sobriety was 11 months, until the incident that I described earlier which happened about 3 weeks ago.

So what did I learn from my recovery? I learned that I am not perfect. When I started out, I thought that I will magically find a way to change my cravings and desires, and will fix myself, and then I will fix the rest of the world.

What I found out, however, that it wasn't that simple. I came with a certain piece of hardware, my emotional brain, which I just would not be able to get rid of. This is actually a good thing because without it I wouldn't be alive. But as any other complicated hardware, it came with additional responsibility. So for the most part of my recovery I was trying to learn to use my body in a way that was less damaging to me and others around me.

Did I get completely free of any sexual compulsion? No. Did I make and continue to make progress? Yes.

I really liked the leveled definition of pornography addiction as proposed by Dr. Skinner in his book "Treating Pornography Addiction".

Level 1. Mild exposure – once or twice a year, no effect on regular life.

Level 2. Pornography use does not indicate addiction – occasionally looking at pornography with increased interest.

Level 3. Signs of trouble – person looks few times a month, usually tries to avoid it, but occasionally urges get so strong that it cannot be controlled, and person gives in.

Level 4. Individual notices increased sexual fantasies, and attempts to control them, which results in stronger withdrawal symptoms.

Level 5. Pornography impacting day to day living with significant portion of the day spent thinking about pornography.

Level 6. Pornography dominates most of the day to day life, affecting work, school, and personal relationships.

Level 7. Pornography and acting out consumes most of individuals time, leaving him feeling completely out of control.

When I first got into recovery, I was at level 6 or may be even at level 7 of pornography addiction. I slowly worked my way down the levels, and while my recovery has not been perfect, I have spent my last year at level 1, and the year before that at level 2.

So I hope I did not mislead you with my blog. And if I did, I sincerely apologize and I hope you can forgive me.

I will understand if you will choose to stop following http://FeedTheRightWolf.org and or unsubscribe from our Recovery Email.

After all I cannot give sway something that I don’t have.

But if you are going to stick around, watch out for my next email in a couple of days. I am going to announce a challenge, where you could (very easily) get a $20 Amazon gift card. Stay healthy until than!

Your friend in recovery,
Alex

Great News Inside - Recovery Email 6

First I want to share some great news with you. Candeo Can has changed their signup policy from 6 month commitment to pay as you go program. So if you’ve been considering giving this program a try I suggest doing it now before they change their minds :)

Take Me There

Second, we had some great posts on our forum. Special thanks to our constant contributors RightWolf, AA, Absolution, LucasM and many others.

There is one post, however, that I wanted to share with you today. It is unfortunate that when I created http://www.feedtherightwolf.org I used some language that has made me sound like an “expert” which I am not. (I plan to work on changing that after this semester is over. And I am always welcoming your suggestions.)

The reason that I wanted to create this site and share some of my techniques is because a.) I wanted to help myself better learn them, and b.) wanted to have this resource available to others as a supplement to all other great programs available.

ERP or anything else is not a magic bullet, and I am not an expert in anything recovery related. I am juts one person trying to do my best. One day at a time.

That is why I want to share the following post with you. I believe it really drives home what I’ve just said above.

MrResurreccion writes: http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=405

"One Technique is not Enough!"

It is very important to realize that Alex's recovery course fits his lifestyle and his Pornography addiction.
Many of you found it helpful and continue to see the fruits of his recovery manifest in your own lives.
However, for me I think I will need to personalize the experience more.

Alex's course was first of all amazing help for me. He really did break an opening into the understanding of my addiction
and in Renewing my mind. Along with the Free Candeo Podcasts (which I highly suggest you download from iTunes)
I was able to first get an understanding about how this addiction worked and how my brain can be re-molded and transformed.

However... using Alex's version of ERP did not help me after many months of practicing it in his way.
You see for me I suffered from Pornography of the mind more than the computer. Since I was young my imagination
has always been very strong. And I never really needed to rely on Visual Pornography. Intense thoughts and imaginations
would effect me in such a way that I myself could not control the urge to masturbate 4 to 5 times a day. Even now I feel
triggered just writing about this ._.\/ The computer Pornography was never really the problem, however, it has at times fueled my way of thinking and addiction. I have dealt with Visual pornography, however, every time I break loose from it, I would just end up going back to the very destructive habit of imagining intense sexual fantasies and masturbating to those thoughts.

...which was horrible. I missed class and school because I was depressed. I couldn't deal with my homework... because any type of alone time or boredom would immediately kick in my trigger. AND.. I had been training my subconscious mind to automatically see women and people a certain way. My relationships were affected by distance, and my mind was full of confusion and anxiety.

Unlike normal drugs, Porneia = sexual Immorality, doesn't destroy the body as much as it destroys the mind.
Proverbs 23:7 writes that "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he..."

why do I bring this up... well because I wanted to show you that although I was wasn't addicted to the Visual Pornography...The Pornography of my Mind acted the same way!

We all have personalized addictions. Although they affect our lives in almost the same way.

Depression. Bondage. Separation. and Distance.

Starting today I'm going to start personalizing my recovery process, and sharing some of the different methods I will be using in the next 30 days. Asides from sharing my daily progress, I will also share why some parts of Alex's method didn't work for me, and why others did work for me. Journaling online with many of you I hope we can share our experiences with each other and hopefully bring an end to this distasteful and addictive drug of the new millennium.

-Your's in Christ.
Jerome.

P.S. Now that Candeo has a 47$ per month no commitment policy (which is highly exciting, since I can finally afford their program!)
I will also share my experiences with that! My Prayers are with all of you guys! Especially you Alex!
Keep up the great work!

Last but not least here is some 12 step wisdom for you:

“Sex or Porn addiction is like SPIRITUAL CANCER, acting out will weaken your spiritual life.”

“This is not about recovery from Sex Addiction. This is about recovery from Life.”

“12 step program is not an ultimate solution. Program works because it is a game that we play. It is a great game with a lot of rules, and if we play it well, it works for us.”

“Repression of sexuality is a flip side of same coin. I learn to love myself and my body the way it is.”

“When you find that you can’t relate to others, listen to their feelings, not details of acting out.”

“It took me 52 years to get here, so I guess I won’t be out of here in 6 months.”

“We are not weak for being here. It’s the stronger ones who come into these rooms. Because it is really scary, especially in the beginning.”

“Trust in God and his unconditional love. God will provide.”

Have a great sober day!

Recovery Email 5

I apologize for being a little more quiet than usual. As I mentioned before, I take two graduate courses while working full time and it is very challenging on my schedule.

As much as I love interacting with people in recovery, I simply don’t have enough energy to dedicate to this site. I do my best to work on my own program of recovery by going to 12 step meetings, following through with my morning practice, and making phone calls.

But writing on this forum, is more of a hobby for me. Something that I do if and when I have time. I do want to share more, but I just can’t afford to dedicate any serious amount of time to this effort, which leads me to my next point:

Paying for Recovery

Those of you who’ve read my story know, that my sole purpose for starting feed the right wolf was to provide quality and free resource for people struggling with pornography addiction.

When I first got into recovery myself, I was not willing to pay for any recovery programs. I felt cheated and betrayed because the few people who seemed to be providing help for this problem, were charging money. I felt like I was being ripped off, and felt very angry.

Eventually, I did sign up for Candeo Can, which was about $300-$400 at the time, if I am not mistaking. It was a lot of money for me, but I was too desperate for help. I was just getting off 1 month of successful ERP practice, and felt like I needed an extra push. So I gave in and bought the program.

Looking back, I think the best part about Candeo Can was it’s high price. Not because I like to spend money, but because knowing that I’ve spend so much money on it forced me to actually take all of the exercises seriously.

I believe they now charge $47 per month, with a  6 month commitment. And I’ve seen people complain about its being too expensive. What people don’t realize is that you really do get what you pay for. One visit with any decent psychologist would cost you at least $70 in United States. For a little more than half of that, Candeo provides a full access to professionally recorded video courses created by two Ph. D’s - experts in dealing with pornography addiction.

Additionally, every person get a personal mentor, who emails them at least once a week, more if person is willing to communicate. Honestly, I don’t even know how Candeo people are able to make the profit. Lets say the mentor earns 15$ per hour, a very modest income in United States, and lets say this person emails a student 4 times a month for 30 minutes each. That alone will add up to $30 per month. And then they have to pay bills for storing their website, their office, and salaries for all the people who support the company. If you add all of that up, $47 per month would not seem this much anymore.

That being said, I do not think that you or anybody else needs to spend money in order to recover. There is enough free help available. I believe in feed the right wolf.org. I believe in 12 steps of recovery. I believe in other free resources.

But I also believe that people who do have money and can afford to spend it on recovery are missing out by not using all of the opportunities available to them.

I remember one night before I got into recovery I’ve spent $400 in strip club. On another night I’ve spend close to $200 on sexual video chat. Yet it took me over a year to get myself to pay $300 for 6 month worth of recovery material. Isn’t that ridiculous?

You should also know that if you sign up for Candeo Can through one of the links on feedtherightwolf.org Candeo will pay us back some of that money as an advertising fee. Therefore, if you do decide to sign up for this program, you can support our site by using one of our links. It will not cost you a penny extra.

That being said, I want to be 100% transparent with you. I recommend Candeo Can because it is a good program which can provide something that I cannot, not because I am trying to make some quick money.

If you don’t feel like this arrangement is fair, I encourage you to sign up without using the affiliate link. You can simply google Candeo Can or use this link, and I will not get paid for it.

Our Member Write:

Forum: http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=340

Hi everybody,

I am a 28 yo male, working part time studying full time in a respected college. Almost like anyone else, I have found this website after I gave in on Wednesday 4/20. I have been trying to quit this for a few times already. I usually stay away from it for a couple of months and when I feel pressured from studies and the school work added to the uncertainties, I give myself in. The end result is devastating for me.

It does not only mass up my time management, or delay on an assignment, it does zero my motivation, which is the most important thing that one suppose to carry on every single day. It also violates my principles and values that matter so much to me that I hope to pass on to my children. For example, I respect women. Yes, I was thought to respect everyone, especially women. I was taught to treat people around me with good attitude. This is not what's happening after several hrs of viewing porn.

Not only does it alter the motivation, It also affects one's intelligence. As I said, I 'used to' relapse every several weeks but when it happens, I continually stay on it for a good 7-8 hrs. Towards the end of it, I feel drained, I don't feel me anymore, can't find meaning in my self, can't see pride in me when I look in the mirror.

Most importantly, I feel that my brain is shrinking. It really feels hurt. The next couple of days, I tend to have disorganized thoughts, make grammar and pronunciation mistakes. Although I am a foreigner, English is my second language, I usually have a few pronunciation mistakes when I continuously talk during a conversation. After Porn, mistakes increase exponentially.

Despite the fact that I was in recovery, I knew I would not be able to put a good work, I chose to sit down and study. During my studies, I felt refreshing. Unlike the feeling of shrinking of my brain, I felt the opposite, together with a headache of course. It may sound funny but this is how it feels. It also brought back some motivation. After two days, I am feeling much better, I don't see any images when I close my eyes. So my conclusion is that it may help your brain to get better, if you engage yourself with some other irrelevant thing than what you have exhausted your brain with.

Few years ago, I have quit smoking cigarette after trying five times. Every time it would take few days or a week, and I would begin again. At the end, I took an advise from a person and implemented it. If you reach 30 days without a single cigarette, you may not be clean of it but the urge to have one will decrease dramatically. This is exactly the same thing Alex was talking about about in one of the sections for prevention of relapses. The bell curve. If the urge to go for porn or cigarette is so high that you can't focus on anything else, you should know that you are at the top of that curve. Tough. I used to give myself 20 min and used to notice that the urge would fade away. Every time it happened and I won, I gained confidence then all I knew was that myself was the winner against my other self. Another words, I fed the right wolf.

Today is 4/22/11. Two days after my attempt to permanently restrain from any kind of sensual, or sexual image on internet. I will be posting on my progess and share with you my feelings. I believe this is about motivation, courageousness, and determination. If we reached to this point-seeking a solution, we must realize that we all have these credentials to succeed living an absolute pornography free life.

Take care.
Rugzo.

Blog Comments: http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2010/11/brain-chemicals-in-healthy-sexual-act.html

I am a severe addict of porn for last 15 years. I lost my career because of porn. My life is in vain. I have been living always alone in a single room which compels me to watch porn. I have come to a stage that I cannot live without watching porn and masturbation. Nowadays I think of committing suicide since I come to the conclusion that I can never escape from this dangerous habit. All my precious life time has simply gone wasted in watching useless porn. But I am too late to realize this. My brain is completely damaged by this habit. I have lost all my hopes of getting rid of this habit. I tried many times and failed to abstain from porn and masturbation. I dont know why I am living with this f**king habit. Today I came across this website and I have started reading this. Hope it will be helpful to me.

Thank you for reading, and I’ll check back in with you soon!

Your friend in recovery,

Alex

Warning Inside - Recovery Email 4

There seems to be an epidemic of our members having a slip, and I wanted to reach out to you and let you know to be extra careful in the coming up weeks.

I don't know why this is happening, but one of the theories that I have is because we might be transitioning from winter into summer. Weather is warming up, people start to wear less, and there are just more things that could trigger our subconscious minds and lead us to our old patterns.

 

Please remember everything that you've learned and continue to be extra careful!

 

Below are some of the post from our members. They kindly shared their experience on our forum, so you can learn from their mistakes instead of making your own.

 

If you have time, I would really appreciate you if could reach out to our members who are going through tough times and offer some emotional support.

 

Happy recovery to you,

Alex

 

RightWolf writes:

 

just had my second slip.. i couldn't stand the pressure after bad writing test in college.
my life is terrible.. i don't have anyone to talk to.. no girlfriend.. nothing.. just pain
there is no help for me it seems.. i hate God actually i don't believe in him..
I just want die. One day I'll commit suicide because this suffering doesn't make sense...
I just want to be like my friends and enjoy in small things like conversations, jokes...
or i would accept my situation if I had a girlfriend... I pray God to give me a girl but like always nothing
happens...
fucking life and fucking God
Fuck fuck fuck

 

Absolution writes:

I am 30, and I have had problems with pornography and other sexual issues for about a decade. I have had serious relationships, but every one has been damaged by pornography and/or infidelity.

During most periods of my adult life, I would look at porn at least once a day, along with carrying on empty sexual relationships, both in person and via text, internet, phone, and pictures, with many girls - just about anyone who wanted to carry on that type of relationship. I have come to see how horrifically that damaged both my sexuality and how I look at people, especially females.

Also during most periods adult life, I had a huge problem with alcohol. At times I would drink every day, sometimes a fifth of hard alcohol every night. I have been in jail twice for a total of 70 days for drinking and driving. I lost jobs, friends and opportunities due to my drinking. I was at a place that most people would think is the lowest of the low many times, but I kept going back. Almost 3 years ago, I made a decision to stop letting alcohol control me, and I stopped drinking. I went to a 12 step meeting every day for 30 days. I have drank very small amounts of alcohol over the past 3 years on a few occasions, and recently I have committed to abstain completely.

I am currently in a long-term relationship with the girl of my dreams. My issues with sexuality have damaged our relationship more than I ever could have imagined. I am blessed that my girlfriend has stayed with me after finding out a year ago that I had been cheating on her and looking at massive amounts of pornography for the entirety of the relationship. Even after all of this came out, while we were in the process of working through everything, there were many times that I went back to look at porn. I hadn't realized just how damaging my behavior was, and I hadn't decided that I do not want it in my life anymore. My girlfriend helped me through everything, and she was actually the one that showed me this site.

In July of 2010, I made a decision similar to what I decided about alcohol 3 years ago. I decided to stop letting pornography affect my life like it was. I decided my girlfriend was worth more than the pornography. I did not look at pornography for 8 months. I was proud of myself, I felt my outlook on life, people, and myself change for the better. My relationship with my girlfriend got so much better. It felt amazing having my sexuality focused only on my partner, and having the act of sex be more about emotional and spiritual connection than about just feeling good.

About 3 weeks ago, my girlfriend was in another state for a few days. I looked through movies that could be ordered on our cable TV. I stopped on the adult movies and browsed through them, looking at the pictures and watching the 10 second previews. I justified to myself that this wasn't porn... they were all wearing clothes, there was no actual sex. Later, I told my girlfriend what I had done after she asked if I was doing anything I shouldn't be doing, because obviously she had the right to ask given my past. At first, though, I told I hadn't done anything wrong. I was still justifying to myself, I didn't want to believe that I had broken my string of not looking at porn and not being unfaithful.

But I did break it. It has been one of the worst feelings I have ever felt to disappoint myself and the most important person in my life after thinking that I had overcome my sexual issues. I pray that my girlfriend will stay with me still, but I know the toll that my problems have taken on her is enormous. I know that almost anyone would have left me a year ago. We do have many times where things are great and she believes in me, that I have changed and will continue to do so, but we also have times where we fight or where it is painfully obvious just how much I have hurt her. I don't know if it's right to ask her to stay with me but I love her so much and I feel that I can be the man she deserves.

So that is where I am right now. After coming so far and then falling, I realize more than ever how huge of a problem this is. Even though I made many decisions to keep porn out of my life for what is to me a pretty long time, I did go back to it despite truly believing that I had left it for good. I have always been resistant to calling it an addiction, I have always been resistant to saying that I have no power over my actions or that a compulsion has power over me. I feel like the choices are mine to make, yet I can't find any reason I would choose to go back to pornography. I have a perfect girlfriend who is far more attractive than any of the girls in porn I was looking at, I have great family and friends, and a great job. I absolutely believe in and have been asking my higher power for help, so my resistance to being powerless is not based on any resistance to a higher power. I just can't understand why I would choose to go back to porn (or even look at it in the first place) with all the amazing, healthy gifts I have been given in life. I know how I feel about porn, I know that I hate it and don't want it in my life, but I knew that before I went back to it. I know I love my girlfriend more than anything on earth, and I chose her over porn many many times over my 8 month period of not looking at porn, but I still chose porn over her 3 weeks ago.

I hope to find support here as I go from being 8 months sober to 3 weeks. Thank you all for caring, thank you Alex for creating this site and forum, and I love you all.

Ekamarak writes:

HI, I have been able to stay sober for some months now until yesterday. I was having a project on IP CCTV that was not working out. I was so stressed from the pressure from my client and my boss. They just wanted it to work out. I was doing this alone since my colleague got an emergency and had to leave the site. As I was sitting infront of my computer I had this urge to view some explicit pictures from the internet. I didn't try out anything to avoid this urge and so I resulted to watching porn for about four hours. This made me to masturbate and by evening I was feeling so low and frustrated. I feel so guilt since I have no one to talk to about what I am going through.

SadMax writes:

i've managed to stay sober for just over a month, i started March 6th and now my cravings are starting to kick in, i'm in so much pain, when i take a deep breath my heart hurts, i see images in my head, followed by moments when i feel like just giving up, when i started the month i had a target, i wanted to reach my beloved's birthday sober, i wanted to do this for her when i think about her


does not matter how i feel at that particular point in time, i start to smile, i wanted to prove to myself that i loved her more than anything so i grinned and clawed my way to her birthday

on that day i went to a place i used to go to when i was young, maybe 3 years ago, i sat there for over an hour listening to songs on my ipod i hadn't listened to in years, it was far from where i live, it was late, it was outside, i should have probably been scared but i wasn't, i felt the way i use to when i first became aware of her existence, i felt invincible, strong, brave and for that special i had the peace i used to have when i was positive she would be mine, not because i thought i was good enough for her but because i love her so much i thought that it was impossible for her to not feel me no matter where she is and almost a week after her birthday i don't have anything to aim for anymore.

after my last slip i felt like i couldn't get myself back up for another shot
when i finally tried again, i felt like i couldn't bare to fail another time, i guess that's part of the reason i managed to stay sober for as long as have now, every time i felt like acting out, i would feel scared and sick and remember the pain and guilt, for those of you who don't know, i have OCD so cleaning up after a slip is very difficult, what with the having to repeat everything, what takes minutes takes hours for me.

i realised that staying like this isn't what scares me the most, what scares me the most is that if i don't get sober she will never be mine, i live a miserable life but i live it because i know that where she is there is no pain.

i can't tell her incredibly awesome, i think she is when i'm like this , she will never be mine if i don't get sober
i want her to see me the way i see her, not as a guy whose dug a hole so deep he can't he crawl up out of it.

my cravings are getting worse, Tuesday i spent hours looking at television shopping channels hoping to see women in spandex, those shopping channels where they try exercise mechine, and they show you how the person looked and how the person looks when the product is been used. Today i downloaded videos from a site which bans what we are all trying to stop but shows videos of the peoples dance tease and interviews, i haven't watched them, though i think this would be a trigger for me i downloaded anyway.

i read your post LucasM it made Thursday easier i am grateful and analias i am grateful to you too and Alex im reading your message after ive post


i am thinking about destroying my computer, im scared deleting the internet isn't enough, ive used ERP, ive written a journal, what do i do how do i stay sober, i dont think i could survive an other slip, please tell me what to do, what ever it is ill do it

just tell me what to do

Recovery Email 3

I feel like this is a good time for another recovery email.

First of all we had a lot of activity on our forum. Here are some of the things that stood out for me.

We have a new member Kai, who shared his story here, it never stops to amaze me how similar all of our stories are.

I have never discussed this problem that I have with anyone, and yet it has been affecting me for twenty years. I am in an enviable position by most measures - married, in a respectable job and with a great quality of life - but seem to risk it all because of my addiction to pornography. No one knows as I have never felt able to talk to anyone about it and of course it is a secretive process. I worry that should I see someone professionally this would jeopardize all that I hold dear, that when my addiction becomes clear to others I will potentially lose it all, and I cannot bear the idea of this. And so, I struggle on by myself, deluding myself that each time I look at pornography will be the last but really knowing that it is not probably not something I can address alone. I therefore hope that this sharing will help me to deal with it (and help others in a similar position). I do nothing illegal but spend secretive periods on the internet looking at adult hard-core and soft-core pornography, and afterward feel ashamed and weak. This activity waxes and wanes and I may go for a few months doing none of this and then almost "binge" for a few days, looking at stuff each day before I somehow have a shift in mindset and believe I can resist again for a while. I know it is worse when I am stressed and although it does not affect my job in any way, it certainly affects my relationship with my wife (even as simply meaning that my desire to have sex with her is reduced because I have masturbated earlier that day) and its salient nature means I do not spend the time or pay the attention to others as much as I should. I think I recognise in myself a self-loathing because of this and I feel as though the front that I portray is exactly that, and so I withdraw socially, because it is an effortful process that tires me out. I am hoping that this confession will steel me into action and I am grateful of whatever support or advice anyone has to give. Today is Day 1.

Couple of our member had hard time with their recovery, but they also learned some very valuable lessons from it.

jl595 writes: http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/forum/viewforum.php?f=7

This is a journal for yesterday and today.

I'm sorry friends,

I have not resorted to watching pornography and I was 5 days sober but it is was starting to get much more difficult to abstain from it. Although I had a relatively easy day yesterday, I was aroused for just about the entire morning on and off and I had trouble focusing my thoughts away from it. I have been under a lot of stress over the last couple days and unfortunately I slipped. The first time I masturbated, which was something I didn't want to do but worst of all, but the second time I watched pornography very briefly but after about 15 minutes I turned it off. I am glad that I didn't watch it all the way through but I am still upset that I cracked. I realize that I will not be better overnight and these things are just bound to happen but I want to control them.

And AA Responds

"It's not how many times you fall that matters, it's how many time you get back up."

I've not had the best last 24 hours either.

This from "Uncle Bob" - http://yourbrainonporn.com/uncle-bob-porn-addiction-recovery-tips

Uncle Bob wrote:

Advice:

If you relapse, continue to count your past days of success. "x days + x days" If instead you start your count completely over it throws you into endless loops. To accept imperfection and continuously move forward makes more sense. If you insist on counting from zero, the brain says "Do it again; it has only been x days so why not?" If instead you just shrug off the slip, the brain has nothing to manipulate you with.

12 Step Tips

One of my very good friends in recovery gave a talk at my local Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. He've shared a lot of quality information, but there was one thing that stood out for me and everybody else.

He said that recovery is about learning to honor your commitments. He always tells to his sponsees, that he doesn’t care how they define their sobriety, but he does care that once they make this commitment to themselves, that they honor that commitment.

And I agree 100%, recovery is about commitment. It is easy to say I am never going to act out again, I promise. But it is not easy to commit to consistently do good things that bring serenity into your life.

When I was desperate to stop my addiction, I was able to commit to a large number of quality things in my life. Now, however, with a little bit of sobriety under my belt, it is not so easy for me to stay committed to my recovery.

I used to do all of the following on the daily basis:

• Morning Practice (Reading spiritual literature and meditating first thing in the morning)
• Eating healthy breakfast
• Making 2 phone call to my friends in recovery
• Attending 3 Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings per week
• Calling my sponsor every night to tell him how I did that day
• Journal before I go to bed
• Staying Hydrated
• Eat Healthy
• Exercise
• Go to bed at least 8 hours before I needed to wake up
• Asking daily what is my Higher power’s will for me for that day, and then committing to doing it

Now for the past couple of months my day consisted of:

• Checking my email and news first thing in the morning (30 minutes to 1 hour)
• Grabbing something to eat last minute and run out to work
• Skipping 12 step meetings
• Not doing my morning practice
• Journaling once every 2 weeks, and only when I feel like crap
• Doing emergency ERP practices and meditation, only when I feel that things start to get out of control
• Not getting enough sleep
• Not thinking about what would be the right thing for me to do and not planning ahead
• Spending a lot of time reading news, forums, and other mindless activities
• Checking my email and news right before I go to bed

Yes, I am proud to say that I was able to stay sexually sober with all of this going on. But it sure did not feel like I was Sober, with the capital S.

I miss the days of serenity and peace that following healthy routine brought to me.

That is why I am going to make a new commitment. For the next week, I am going to get up and go for a walk first thing in the morning. Then I will comeback read spiritual literature and meditate. Next I will eat healthy breakfast, hygiene, and get ready for work. I will not check my email until I get to work.

I believe that developing this habit will be the most beneficial for me out of the list of options that I have, but I won’t know for sure until I try it.

I will blog about my progress here: http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=280

May God bless you,

Alex

Recovery Email 2

I wanted to reach out to you really quick.

First of all, our member AnAllias has been keeping his journal on our forum for the past 4 weeks and amount of progress that he has made is amazing. I wanted to share it with you.

http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=162&start=40

Daily Checklist:

Healthy Hydration (>6 glasses of water)

Healthy Eating, except Thursday.

Praying Morning and Evening, except Thursday.

Reading Recovery Literature - mostly online.

Meditating.

X Healthy sleep. Thursday night particularly bad as I worked through. Got an early night yesterday, though.

X Physical exercise

X ERP - have missed these the last couple of days.

Strong Emotions That You Felt During the Day:

Intermittent Anxiety. Main driver for this is my work project, which should be winding down from Monday. Need to make sure I take a breather before taking on anything new.

Contentment, Satisfaction, Optimism - Still feeling calm the rest of the time, and as I think I mentioned in my last post I've got this weird confidence that 'everything is going to be fine' despite any evidence indicating otherwise.

Strong Negative Beliefs that Were Affecting Your Day:

"I won't get finished on time" - not as insistent as before, but still cropping up every so often. I think it's changing slightly now to "I'll barely get finished on time" with implications for the quality of my work.

How did you get out of Isolation/ Improve your Social Skill today:

Getting a haircut and chatting with the hairdresser! Phone calls, visiting a local office and meeting one of my colleagues for the first time. Church, visiting mum and cutting her lawn [I was rewarded with a delicious lunch, so not entirely altruistic there.]

Anything Positive that You Learned/Experienced Today:

I discovered I have far more stamina than I thought I had, and can get a huge amount done if I put my mind to it.

Things You are Thankful for Today:

My dogs, who've been wonderful companions whilst I've been working from home.

My work colleagues, who've generally been exceedingly helpful over the last couple of days.

The internet - a bit of a double edged sword, perhaps, but tons of good stuff out there if you know how to find it. e.g. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cup ... oned-arrow

My CD players - which have been getting abundant use recently, not to mention the CDs themselves and everyone involved in producing them.

Anything else you would like to add?

A week sober (Hooray!!) and significantly less 'effort' involved in getting here than previously. Just realised it has been five weeks since I started on this path and I've only had 4 episodes of acting out over that period. Since I seem to be most vulnerable immediately after a slip, at least two of those episodes have been double features, but even so that is amazing progress.

I can distinctly remember when I started that I *knew* I couldn't possibly succeed, so it wasn't worth trying, but I tried anyway and I'm very glad I did. There's a long way to go. Hopefully any future slips will be fewer and further between. Progress, not perfection. I've still got a quick fix mentality, but I'm working on it.

There's a half formed idea at the back of mind which I'm having difficulty expressing, but I'd like to say to anyone reading this who's even thinking of trying to give up the porn to just give it a shot. Put aside any expectations of success or failure and just try. Even if you just do it as an experiment. "I'll give up the porn for maybe four weeks, and if I still miss it I can always start again."

According to a report I heard recently, most people who give up smoking succeed on their third attempt. There is a professional exam I have taken which has an abysmal pass rate (<50%) and fewer than 10% of people who take the courses for it even attempt the exam. However practically everyone who attempts the exam, even once, eventually passes. Again, most people pass on their second or third try. It took me six attempts (IIRC) to pass my driving test, but I finally did it. This is my second attempt (after about 4 years) to give up the porn. I wish I'd started sooner.

OK, enough rambling, I trust you get the idea.

Your friend in recovery.

AA

You can comment on AnAllias's journal here: http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=162&start=40

12 Steps Tips

"Sobriety with a capital S"  (means sobriety and serenity in all area of one's life, and not only in areas related to addiction).

"It is our secrets that keep us sick"

"Most people are pretty amazing, they want to help. Just make sure to ask for it."

It is important to develop a strong positive image of yourself, to see yourself as a person who would not click on such image etc. You then would try to live up to this image.

Define your "outer circle" (a term used to define all positive behaviors and healthy things that you enjoy doing that will replace your addiction. ) and live in it.

"It is easier to move towards positive direction, than resist moving towards negative direction. So eat an apple when you are hungry, instead of resisting eating a cake. Look for healthy intimacy when you feel lonely. Look for healthy ways to take care of yourself."

"You have to be brutally honest with only 1 person, yourself, if you want to get better."

Thank you for reading,

Alex

Recovery Email 1

Why did I decide to make recovery emails?

“Good is Perfect, and Perfect is Bad” I am not sure if I’ve heard this quote somewhere, or if I came up with it myself. But I tend to want to do everything perfect. Have a perfect blog post, have a perfect email. What this perfectionism does is stops me from actually achieving my dreams. That is why I decided that whatever I do doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be good.

I have a wealth of positive information that passing through my life, and I wanted to capture some of this information. These emails will be my imperfect way of doing just that.

The wealth of information that I get mostly comes from two sources, the books that I read or listen to and the 12 step program.

For example, one book that I am reading right now is “It never crowded along the extra mile” by Dr. Wayne Dyer, and one of the quotes that he said was: “Don’t die with your music still in you”. And I don’t want to do that. I want to let my music out, as imperfect as it might be.

Another quote that he said was: “You can’t give away something that you don’t have”. And there reason that I mention this, is because my hope is that this blog is helping you, but if it doesn’t may be it is because I don’t have what you need, to give away. If that is the case, I would encourage you to go find people that do have what you need!

Another source of information for me is my 12 step meetings. It amazes me how much wisdom is passing through these rooms (and phone lines). I want to capture some of this wisdom.

Another great thing that comes out of 12 steps for me is feedback. Getting in front of real people and telling my real story. It is easy to pretend to be somebody over the internet. It is much harder to actually be it in real life in front of the real people. That is while I believe that reading books and blogs like mine is a great help, but the true recovery will only come from interaction with other people. And not just any interaction, but the kind where you can be completely honest about what is going on with you, and where people will not be afraid to give you an honest feedback. This is exactly what I get from 12 steps.

For example today one of my friends said: “45 minutes ago I respected you, I don’t anymore”. He said that after I’ve shared with him that I work full time, take 2 graduate courses in computer engineering, drive 1.5 hours one way to see my fiancée and family on the weekend, maintain this blog, and then complain that I don’t have a lot of time left. His feedback helped me to open my eyes to how stupid my actions were, and helped me to make a decision to limit the amount of time that I spend on this blog to 6 hours per week.

Quotes from 12 step group

“HONESTY, being honest with yourself, knowing what you truly want is the key to sobriety”

“If you feel y far from God, guess who moved”

“Sex Addiction is not my problem; it was a solution to my problem”

“Don’t be ashamed of the ways God chooses for us to find him”

“Failing to Plan, is Planning to Fail”

“Acting out is not a need, it’s a want”

“I act out because I don’t want to face myself”

“Do not do multiple disclosures; get it all out at once. Multiple disclosures is like reaping a wound open, let it heal a little, and then reaping it open again”

“Effect of addiction spreads like a cold to others around us”

“I leave myself no option to slip”

Breaking the Chain

Somebody made an analogy for stopping an addiction with breaking the chain. I thought it was very powerful analogy.

First it is literally just like breaking a chain; you can’t just twist it here and there a little and expect to break free. You have to yank it with everything bit of force that you have if you expect it to break.

The second analogy is just as powerful. For many of us, our addictions did not start with us, but rather were consequences of chains of events that had a lot to do with our parents and our upbringing. By stopping our addiction, we are breaking these chains of events, and helping to ensure that our children might have a better feature.

I know how you feel, but …

I’ve heard somebody say that he needs to stop saying “but” all the time, and I wasn’t sure what he meant by it. But he explained that whenever he talks to his wife, he always feels like he knows better than she does. And whenever she shares how she feels, he says that he understands, but then goes on to tell her how she should feel.

I know that I do that a lot in my relationship, and wanted to pass it on.

Not being like my Father

This theme came up a lot this week, and it was also huge theme in my own recovery. Many sex and porn addict had fathers who were sexually promiscuous. I believe that this idea of “not being like my dad” was a huge part of me developing a compulsion towards sex and masturbation. Because every time I felt a sexual urge, I also felt guild and shame, and fear that I might end up like my father. I now learn to accept that I am just a human being, and that it is normal to have urges. It is what I choose to do with them, that makes a real difference.

What Works For Others

· 12 Step Groups – Going to Multiple meetings · Getting a Sponsor · Working through 12 steps · Seeing a Psychologist · Other recovery programs · Religious Services · Doing inventory of believes every night · Learning to be Honest with oneself through journaling · Breathing exercises

· Words of other people · Honesty (Came up a lot) · Lighting Candles · Meditation · Playing Musical Instrument · Getting Sobriety Chips · Understanding ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) in my head · Reading Positive Statements on 3/5 cards · Having a “Safe Place” in one’s own mind · Phone Calls to others in recovery

Our Forum Members Write

I wish all I had to share were stories of success. But there is a lot of pain that comes with this problem.

 

Alex i don't understand

http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=189

“i have never past a month sober, every single time i fail in my last week,
i acted out today, i only had six days to go, what am i doing wrong, i do my ERP, I've done almost 60 days weath and yet when i'm on the computer i can seen use it, i hear everything, all the guilt and the enevitable suffering that will surely follow, sometimes i feel like God tries to put road blocks to buy me a moment to think yet i throw it all away, i feel like i've reached a point where its too late to stop, i've already failed so i should finish, i find myself thinking about the girl i love and say forgive, that's the part that breaks my heart, it reminds me of those stories when a person claims to love another all heartedly yet when one is being attacked by a monster the other run scared. i feel like that person. i used to feel like if she was falling i'd hold on to her hand and never let go even if evey bone in my arm was broken. everytime i fail iam miserable for week, i never truely recover, i start eating less and sleeping more , breathing becomes painful to me , i can't stand my reflection. i alwaybs say i'd kill myself if i didn't have people who love me but the is i'm a coward and failiar in everything i do. i've inexplicable pain in my life, more than most, from the day i was born yet i still fear the pain and sertanty that i'm dying, people say cowards choose death but i've tried so very hard, the hardest part my life is picking myself up after ive fallen, if there was a painless pill that would take my life i'd take it. i understand that in addicted but i can't stand myself, my life is full of boken dreams, i have a deadline and i can't seem to do any work on this computer, i feel like a waste of life, im alive but im but i dont want to be. i try but no metter what i can't ge past 3 weeks. im running out of time she won't be alone forever, damn it , even now im thinking about acting out , already done it twice. i took a break to go act out again just now and pain is comming back, im falling apart “

Former web porn star and exotic dancer

http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=181

I wanted to formally apologize to those who all are fighting addiction to the adult entertainment industry. I was of no help.
I was involved in online photos, videos and erotic postings and dancing.
I ask for your forgiveness and am truly sorry I led you to sin and commit adultry in your minds and have lustfull ways.
I no longer am apart of this industry and have not been for several years because my lord God saved me. I returned to church and have repented. I feel guilty for my sins and will sin no more. I pray everyday to be forgiven for my sins and ask for you to pray for me as well.
Ask God for assistance. In this time and age everything revolves around sex. Pray when lust tries to overcome you and distract yourself with good acts of kindness.

AnAllias Recovery Journal

Our member AnAllias has been keeping a daily journal for the past couple of weeks. It is very insightful, and I highly encourage you to take a look at it here: http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=162

Other News

· I am happy to announce that Luke Gilkerson from Covenant Eyes has agreed to give our blog an interview.

· Join the fight against pornography by giving your congressman a call.